Nailed in Nantucket

This story comes from a friend of a friend and her recent experience with her hubby's fine hygiene.

One day, I spent hours cleaning the wood floors to a shine, finally got rid of every speck of dust and all the dust bunnies that kept reproducing. My husband came home after work and of course didn't notice, but that didn't bother me. In the middle of the night I woke up thirsty so I went downstairs to get a glass of water. As I was walking across my newly sparkling wood floors in the dark, I kept stepping on little poky stuff all across the floor. I assumed the dog had chewed apart one of her many toys. Aggravated, I stepped across the crunchy floor to flip on the light. Spread around was an array of little white pieces. As I bent down for a closer look, I realized they were...*gasp* toenails. Apparently, my husband didn't think to cut his nails over a trash can or even to sweep them off the floor. Needless to say, he was given a good talking to.

Eww.

King of Vapid Rapids

This entry is courtesy of Dammed in Des Moines:

My husband and I went out for a rafting trip down a slow river for a lazy day. During our little excursion, my husband decided to be funny. He got to the front of the raft, stood and began shouting, "I'm the king of the world!!!" I turned my back to him, searching for the camera to commemorate his kingship when I heard a loud *splash*! My husband was now the king of the water. The funny thing was were were going past a few fisherman who were on the shore and he got exuberant applause from his shore side audience. He was soon back in the raft and said, "I guess I won't do that again." I'm just sad I didn't get a picture.

Having a Hot Car Doesn't Make You Hot

Stupid Man! - Watch more Funny Videos

What he REALLY wants for Father's Day

Find it for $25.00 at ninaandtom.etsy.com:

Ingenious or . . . Otherwise?

So I woke up this morning to a puzzling site...


Hmm. . . "What is he doing?" I think. The answer is clear, though. Our dog spreads her food everywhere after digging through the food rubble for her favorite pieces. Apparently, my husband thinks this will solve her messy eating habits somehow. I wasn't sure how he thought it might help, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now, hold your breath for the result... it's shocking, I mean I never thought this would happen...


OK, yes I did think this would happen, but at least I let his little test prove itself. :) I just hope my husband isn't developing that duct tape disease that seems to afflict men in their later years. I mean, he's only in his 30's, but maybe it's like early menopause. Early Duct Tape Compulsion (EDTC).

Husband of the Year Awards

These are too perfect. No need for explanations:

beer fridge

This is sad. Even more sad, my husband would love it. But then again, so would I if it would make and transport margaritas...

Stupid Man Overshadowed by Louder Stupid Man

As reported by The Onion:

BETHESDA, MD—A long, idiotic rant delivered by a demonstrably stupid man was interrupted Monday by the ramblings of a man who, in addition to being stupid, spoke in a very loud voice. "The first man was certainly stupid, but he was more relentless than loud," said a quiet and somewhat reasonable man who witnessed the dispute. "So when the other man began saying something even stupider at a much higher volume, naturally I had to pay attention to him." As of press time, both men had quieted down somewhat, but remained stupid.

What a Pisser!

So, I'm currently in the Vegas airport, waiting for my plane to take me back to Colorado. I received a great surprise in my e-mail from Bottled in Buffalo. I just couldn't wait until I got home to share (I just threw up in my mouth a little bit):

My husband has a man cave where he plays computer games and indulges his inner geek. The room is kind of gross so I don't go in there often but the other day I passed through there and noticed a water bottle full of yellow fluid. My husband being the lazy man he is, had peed into an empty water bottle. So last night he says to me - guess what I did? Forgetting that he had peed into that bottle - HE DRANK SOME OF IT! It took three swallows for him to realize it wasn't water!!! Please feel free to laugh at my husband, the moron.

Lionize it

OK, this is a clever man idea - in an ode to the clever ideas our men do come up with. (It's also funny.) He's in Mexico and was tired of thugs breaking into his shop, so he came up with this idea... He got a lion... kind of...

Exhausted

Converted in Carolina writes:

My check engine light has been on for several days.  My husband tells me it’s nothing to worry about.  I told him that I was taking it in to get checked today after it started smelling funny.  He still protested, saying that it was a fuse and all they were going to do is charge me an hours’ labor and turn the light off. 

 

Well, it turns out that my husband can’t be trusted when it comes to cars.  The dealership just called and my catalytic converter had stopped working, which I’ve heard can set your car on fire.  I was right in second-guessing my spouse.  Oh, and did I mention that he’s been in the CAR BUSINESS for over 20 years? 

If the shoe fits...

In this case, it's "if the name fits..." I took this photo from my cell, so it's not exactly clear. This hotel's sign has been in disrepair for many moons, and I finally had to share it. There's just too many jokes that can be made from it. Now, to be fair, I'm not sure if the lack of enthusiasm to fix the sign is due to a man or a woman, but I can take a guess.

So, the next time you're in Grand Junction, Colorado and you're in need of a place to stay, try out the Value Lode. I'm just guessing, but I bet they have hourly rates.

Open Door Policy

From Flushed in Fairview:

My husband is a private person when it comes to the bathroom. Even with me, he’ll close the door when he’s going to the bathroom. The only time he leaves the door open is if there’s no one around.

I take annual trips to go visit family and always without my husband. One time, when I was away, he went to use the facilities, he didn’t bother closing the door. As he sat there for a moment, he looked up and realized, he wasn’t at home, he was at work! Fortunately for him and his co-workers, there was no one around at the time as he quickly slammed the door shut.

Oh Sheet!

From Sheetless in Salem...

We took a trip to Hawaii with some friends of ours. Our friend James is the focus of this story. We had all been out drinking and having fun and when we came back to our condo (which one of us owns), the pull out couch had no sheets on it. My friend and I insisted that we put clean sheets on and were searching around in our drunken stupor. James kept insisting that he would just sleep on the mattress. James and my husband just kept fighting us girls saying it was fine to sleep without sheets, thinking that we were trying to accommodate James. Really, though, we were trying to protect the mattress. The whole time they just couldn't understand why we were so adamant about sheets. 

Yes, it's much cheaper to change sheets than the mattress. It gets  a little uncomfortable to explain away a stained mattress to your next guests...

If you have a story to share, you'll remain anonymous! Submit your story to kelly@kellymcdowell.com today!

Meet me at the Sizzler!

A story from my husband about one of his friends back in college days. Yes, I'm having to resort to these stories - so you need to send me some of yours! Actually, this one has to be told - it's just too hilarious.

This "friend," we'll call him Joe, lived in the dorms and had just gotten an MSR camp stove. See photo for a visual. These stoves are meant to be lit at the bottom area, at which you pump gas into it. Joe wanted to cook some beans to try out his new camp stove - he was trying to do this in his girlfriend's dorm room on her desk. Well, Joe the genius, was pumping the gas like mad trying to light the stove at the top. By this time, gas was leaking out the bottom, which he didn't notice and fumes were billowing out the top like mad. He ended up lighting the fumes which in turn lit the gas surrounding the stove. So now he's got a pretty good fire on his hands. He then proceeds to try to douse the flames with a towel, which ended up fanning the flames and throwing sparks around the room, with a large spark landing on the bedspread. Luckily, he was able to get the towel idea to work and got all the flames out. Realizing that the RA's would be responding to the silent alarm his fire had kicked off, he ran down to my husband's dorm room (this was long before we were married) with the camp stove. Joe shows up in my hubby's room shoving the camp stove at him saying, "hide this!" My husband quickly figures out what happens when he sees Joe's shirt with singe marks and covered in burn holes. Not to mention his face which was now void of facial hair - eyelashes singed all the way to his eyes and eyebrows little black curled-up remanants of hair. By the time the RA's came to his girlfriend's room, Joe was back in there with her. They asked what happened. Joe, standing there void of facial hair, shirt and girlfriend's bed riddled with singed holes answers, "nothing."

I can never get enough of my hubby's stories of this friend. I'm sure I'll have to share more of Joe's adventures soon.

I'm not lazy, I just cut corners.

The title is a direct quote from my husband. Here's an example of one of the ways he likes to "cut corners"


Why take the extra 5 seconds to hang up a coat when you can shove it above the others to hold it there?

Foot in Mouth Disease

Well-Read in Richmond has this story to share:

Hubby's been trying to take it easy cuz he's got gout, so he's been reading lots. Today we were headed to the library and he said he wanted to go take out some more non-fiction books to read. I mentioned something about the book he's currently reading (that I had taken out because I enjoy the author) and he said "well the book is too silly for me. I have an imagination and don't need to read up on someone else's silly thoughts." I replied, "so what does that make me?" He had to backtrack. Wonder if having the foot in his mouth helps with the gout.

Thanks Well-Read. Here's hoping mind opens before mouth next time...

You Mean So Much To Me...

Hey ladies! I need your stories - I know they're out there... these funny husband moments are happening even as we speak! Share yours today, send your submission to me at kelly@kellymcdowell.com and of course, you'll remain anonymous though your hubby may become famous. Nameless, but famous.

The Absent Minded Professor

This wife has been afflicted with a truly forgetful spouse. I thought my husband forgot a lot of things, but this husband seems to have true forgetful husband syndrome. Check it out...

He IS the absent minded professor. Forgets where he puts things and blames me. He one time left the house to go to a meeting, FORGOT what he was doing so he came home and started to work. I asked him didn't he have a meeting? Oh! Right. Crap I missed it. But he had LEFT! Got in the car and was halfway there. I know he is not really stupid but sometimes....

The Parking Bandit

This woman is being driven, or rather, parked nuts. Check out her stupid husband moment story:

He can not leave a store and head for the car. Always goes the wrong way. Then argues that it is the RIGHT way. Then when he realizes that it IS the wrong way will accuse me of moving the car. Seriously. So now I just head for the car, get in and wait.

If you can relate to any of these stories, drop me a line to let me post your story for the world to laugh at. kelly@kellymcdowell.com