Cat Butt Scent

Scented in Silicone Valley says...

Way back when the Bloom County cartoon strip was still popular my husband had an encounter with a certain cat. We were at a local drug store and there was a display of stuffed animals, including Bill the Cat from Bloom County. Apparently there was a tag on the plush which said "All new smell." Without thinking about it, my husband held it to his face. I had been shopping elsewhere in the store and I turned the corner to see my sweet hubby sniffing Bill the Cat's butt! I laughed so hard I almost pee'd myself.


At least it wasn't a real cat...

Husband of the Year Awards

These are too perfect. No need for explanations:

Exhausted

Converted in Carolina writes:

My check engine light has been on for several days.  My husband tells me it’s nothing to worry about.  I told him that I was taking it in to get checked today after it started smelling funny.  He still protested, saying that it was a fuse and all they were going to do is charge me an hours’ labor and turn the light off. 

 

Well, it turns out that my husband can’t be trusted when it comes to cars.  The dealership just called and my catalytic converter had stopped working, which I’ve heard can set your car on fire.  I was right in second-guessing my spouse.  Oh, and did I mention that he’s been in the CAR BUSINESS for over 20 years? 

If the shoe fits...

In this case, it's "if the name fits..." I took this photo from my cell, so it's not exactly clear. This hotel's sign has been in disrepair for many moons, and I finally had to share it. There's just too many jokes that can be made from it. Now, to be fair, I'm not sure if the lack of enthusiasm to fix the sign is due to a man or a woman, but I can take a guess.

So, the next time you're in Grand Junction, Colorado and you're in need of a place to stay, try out the Value Lode. I'm just guessing, but I bet they have hourly rates.

Cart Attack!

Concussed in Calgary writes

Recently my husband did the mother of all stupid things. He came home with a concussion and a huge auto repair bill. Here's how it happened:

One Sunday, he and a friend went to the store to pick up their usual Sunday fare: beer and chips. After their jaunt in the store, they decided they weren't having enough fun and decided to race shopping carts in the parking lot like all testosterone clad teenagers. Except, they aren't teenagers, at least not in their physical age. My husband was winning the race until his cart his a rock in the lot, sending the cart flipping sideways and my husband went with it. He rammed head-first into a car, resulting in damage to his head and the car. I bet he'll do it again anyway.

I wonder how he explained that one in the note to the car's owner? LOL!

One Track Mind

From Shredded in Seattle, we have the honor of relating to this post...

One day, I loaned my bank card to my husband since his had just expired and he was waiting on a new one to come in the mail. He said that he just needed to get some cash out. "Uh, honey," he says on the phone. "Your card got eaten by the ATM."

"What? How did that happen?"

Come to find out, he was at the bank, stuck the card in the ATM then got on a cell phone call. He failed to realize that if you don't take action with the card when it is spit back out to you, that the machine will suck it back in and shred it for safety. Then we were out both cards.

Talk about a case of only able to handle one task at a time...

Trophy Wife

From Manly-Man's Wife in Minnesota, we have this fishy tale...

So, last weekend my husband went to an ice fishing contest. Of course, I knew that meant he'd have a few beers, and I'd be annoying when he got home, because he's annoying when he drinks too much.

So later that night he walks in the door, standing there slightly wobbly staring at everyone. So, we all (my adult son, his daughter, and my other two grandkids) look at him wondering what could possibly be wrong.

Suddenly, he takes his arm from around his back and slowly and very unsteadily moves his outstretched hand from one end of the room to the other.

"Clear off the mantel," he yells. "Papa won a trophy, and it belongs on the mantel." With that, he moves to stand in front of every one of us, holding his shiny blue trophy in front of each face.

Well, I burst out laughing, more because he was having a hard time standing up, let alone with his arm outstretched with a trophy waving from it. So I start clapping, the kids start clapping and we add some hoots and hollers.

Then he walks over to the mantel, sets his trophy next to my candleholders and looks at me.

"Can you see it okay?" wobble, wobble.

"Yes, I can see it." I roll my eyes.

"Elyzabeth, how about you. Can you see it? I want everyone to be able to see it."

"Yes, papa, I can see it too." Eye rolling from the 8 year old.

Well, the little ones (ages 4 & 5) start jumping around hooting and hollering about the trophy and they want to play with it, of course.

So, for the rest of the night we get to hear, numerous times, the story of how a little 10 inch crappie won Papa first place in an ice fishing contest.

Were we glad when he finally fell asleep!

Well, after everyone left the next day my husband comes in and says, "Did Elyzabeth take another look at the trophy before she left? I don't want her to forget about it."

Well, I'd thought for sure he'd forgotten all about the night before with all the beer he had had. So I said, "Well, what we can do is take a picture of it. And you can write on it, "Elyzabeth, I just wanted to send this picture of my trophy so you and your brother don't forget what it looks like."

Well, we haven't had a chance to do that this last week. But I think we'll have an envelope in the mail on Monday, because sometimes, my hubby can be very, very funny! Even if he's annoying while he's doing it!

If you have a funny husband moment story to share, please submit it to kelly@kellymcdowell.com!

Foot in Mouth Disease

Well-Read in Richmond has this story to share:

Hubby's been trying to take it easy cuz he's got gout, so he's been reading lots. Today we were headed to the library and he said he wanted to go take out some more non-fiction books to read. I mentioned something about the book he's currently reading (that I had taken out because I enjoy the author) and he said "well the book is too silly for me. I have an imagination and don't need to read up on someone else's silly thoughts." I replied, "so what does that make me?" He had to backtrack. Wonder if having the foot in his mouth helps with the gout.

Thanks Well-Read. Here's hoping mind opens before mouth next time...

You Mean So Much To Me...

Hey ladies! I need your stories - I know they're out there... these funny husband moments are happening even as we speak! Share yours today, send your submission to me at kelly@kellymcdowell.com and of course, you'll remain anonymous though your hubby may become famous. Nameless, but famous.

I Could Just Dye

An entry courtesy of All Dyed Up in Albany

So my husband complained that his goatee was coming in with more and more gray, so I told him I'd help him pick out some Just For Men dye to cover it up. We went to the store, we picked out "light brown" dye. It worked pretty well. You can use it for a few applications, so it was a couple months before it ran out.

One day he walks in and his goatee is really really dark — not natural-looking at all. I ask what happened. He says, "I don't know. I went out and got the same brand and I left it on for the same about of time. It just came out really dark." So I ask, "What color did you buy?" He answers, "It comes in different colors?"

Apparently he just grabbed a box (which turned out to be "brown/black") with the assumption that it is magical hair dye that "knows" to adjust the hair back to it's original color. Keep in mind the fact that the men's hair dye is in the same aisle as the thousands of boxes of colors of women's hair dye. But somehow the men's works differently...

At least this husband is aware of his looks, albeit a little dumbfounded with how to go about it.

Leaf Me Alone!

From Leafless in Loredo, we have a simple tale of a simple mind...

My husband is perfect. That said, I IMAGINE that if he was a little off he would probably start cleaning out the garage using the shop vac in the process. He would then notice that the new little tree in the front yard had dropped most of its leaves and haul the vac out to take care of the small pile of leaves at its base. While he was at it he would most likely strip the remaining 7 or 9 leaves off the tree. WITH THE SHOP VAC. Of course, at this moment the neighbor would come out of the house and see him doing this. Yep, the entire neighborhood thinks hubs is a little off. Oh, I forgot, this is all in my imagination...

Please, no one tell this wife that she's not imagining her hubby's odd behavior. She seems happy and safe in her imaginary world. :)

Separation Anxiety

This snippet is regards of LMAO in Laramie:

My husband and I are working on getting some documents ready for an adoption process. We needed a copy of his divorce certificate from his first marriage. I bugged him for days/weeks. Finally he said he ordered it from the state. It arrives, he opens it and says "Oh no, they couldn't find it - I guess they lost it or something..." I looked at it and noticed the note that said they were sorry but they found no record of his divorce from ME!!!

Oh, you needed the name of my FORMER wife instead of my current? Details, details, right?

What a Pisser

Submitted by Pissed in Peoria, here's another story of hilarium...

I think he does the twist or something when he pees. All over the OUTSIDE of the bowl and on the floor and even on the wall opposite of the toilet. He has talent. He also cleans the bathroom.

Ladies, if you have a tale of a stupid husband moment, please submit them to me at kelly@kellymcdowell.com

Remember, we all love our husbands or boyfriends, we just know how to commiserate together through laughter, right? Right...?

The Absent Minded Professor

This wife has been afflicted with a truly forgetful spouse. I thought my husband forgot a lot of things, but this husband seems to have true forgetful husband syndrome. Check it out...

He IS the absent minded professor. Forgets where he puts things and blames me. He one time left the house to go to a meeting, FORGOT what he was doing so he came home and started to work. I asked him didn't he have a meeting? Oh! Right. Crap I missed it. But he had LEFT! Got in the car and was halfway there. I know he is not really stupid but sometimes....

The Parking Bandit

This woman is being driven, or rather, parked nuts. Check out her stupid husband moment story:

He can not leave a store and head for the car. Always goes the wrong way. Then argues that it is the RIGHT way. Then when he realizes that it IS the wrong way will accuse me of moving the car. Seriously. So now I just head for the car, get in and wait.

If you can relate to any of these stories, drop me a line to let me post your story for the world to laugh at. kelly@kellymcdowell.com

Getting Picked Up

This woman had the perfect comeback for her husband when he attempted to be witty...

My husband had to bring it to my attention yesterday that I made a sandwich and had left the salami on the counter and he had to pick it up. With out missing a beat I said without removing my eyes from the computer, "Well, I've picked your underwear off the bathroom floor for the last 26 YEARS and you don't see me bringing THAT up!"...perfect silence and an about face on his part..ha!

If the Boss only Knew...

This stupid husband moment or SHM is not from my home. I'm so happy not to be alone in my suffering. :) I believe many a husband to be afflicted with this dressing disease. Maybe someday we'll discover a cure, but let us reserve hope as it seems unlikely...

He got a job in an office recently where he has to dress nice. We had to go out after his first day and buy him 2 weeks worth of clothes. Every single morning he asks me to pick out his outfit. I am not his mommy. I thought I made this very easy for him when I purposely bought black striped shirts for his black pants, blue striped shirts for his blue pants, and khakis that can go with anything.

Thanks for sharing your suffering with the public!

Flexing with Fumes

This poor soul is making himself stupider on a daily basis. People, I urge you to intervene when you see stupid in production. Stop Stupid! Thanks for the submission, from a fellow Etsy user and SHM sufferer:

ok, so here is probably the dumbest one of all... so my boyfriend loves working out in the garage but it's COLD out there. He'll run a torpedo heater, a kerosene heater, and a propane heater at the same time. Every night he comes in and says he has a headache. Sometimes I go check on him just to make sure he's still breathing. I tell him to crack the door or something but he says that defeats the purpose. Can't tell him anything! Maybe he's trying to off himself so he won't have to hear my nagging anymore.

Dat's Just Nasty, Yo.

Oh you lucky people. No need for submissions today. I have my own great SHM (stupid husband moment) to post about tonight.

I made chicken salad for dinner tonight from scratch. My husband was nice enough to put away the leftovers. After which, I saw him rinse the bowl I used for the salad under water and put it back in the cupboard. Hmmm - problem. He rinsed the bowl, yes, but no soap, no scrubbing? I stop him and say, "um, did you wash that with soap and water?" He says, "No, but the chicken was cooked so it doesn't need to be washed with soap." Screetch.... halt. what? We actually got into an argument about why you have to wash things with soap. He claimed it does no better than water. Doy. Seriously, he's married to a SOAP MAKER. I know the friggin' merits of my product. Then, I call him out on just being lazy. He denies it saying he was just cutting corners. Doesn't that sound something like the definition of being lazy? Yikes. I need some chill pills now. As I think Aunt Jemima would say, "Oh, no you didn't."

What do I do if I get hungry?

I'll tell you what to do. Smack yourself for thinking something so stupid. Unless you're a child, you should probably be able to scrounge something up to satiate your hunger. If not, you're just stupid.

I love this submission - maybe we shouldn't do so much for our spouses...

Sometimes my husband will go the entire day without eating if I am not home to make something. I really don't get it! I will get home and he will be like "good thing you are home...I'm so hungry I'm about to pass out."
He knows how to cook and is actually a good cook...I don't get why he would get to the point of starvation and not just grab a snack...