Lost in Translation

From Listening Lynn...

Like many husbands, mine pretty much never listens. I have resigned myself to that fact, but the thing that annoys me the most is that if I ask him a question he’ll automatically answer “yes” or “uh-huh” without even hearing the question!

The other day I asked him if he had had coffee with his friend that morning. He says “yeah.” Although I am standing right there, not shouting from across the room, I can see he’s not listening so I sort of smarted back, “Oh, that’s nice. How’s he doing?” Hubby says, “How’s who doing?” I said, “Your friend, James…how is he doing today?” Hubby says, “I don’t know…I haven’t seen him.” I said, “You just said you had coffee with him this morning.” Hubby: “No I didn’t.” “Yes, you did. That’s what I just asked you. Why did you say yes when the answer was no?” His answer was one of the best: “I don’t know what you said…I don’t hear half of what you say.” Nice, huh? Of course, if I decide just not to talk to him for a while he wonders why I’m so quiet! K

Nailed in Nantucket

This story comes from a friend of a friend and her recent experience with her hubby's fine hygiene.

One day, I spent hours cleaning the wood floors to a shine, finally got rid of every speck of dust and all the dust bunnies that kept reproducing. My husband came home after work and of course didn't notice, but that didn't bother me. In the middle of the night I woke up thirsty so I went downstairs to get a glass of water. As I was walking across my newly sparkling wood floors in the dark, I kept stepping on little poky stuff all across the floor. I assumed the dog had chewed apart one of her many toys. Aggravated, I stepped across the crunchy floor to flip on the light. Spread around was an array of little white pieces. As I bent down for a closer look, I realized they were...*gasp* toenails. Apparently, my husband didn't think to cut his nails over a trash can or even to sweep them off the floor. Needless to say, he was given a good talking to.

Eww.

Cat Butt Scent

Scented in Silicone Valley says...

Way back when the Bloom County cartoon strip was still popular my husband had an encounter with a certain cat. We were at a local drug store and there was a display of stuffed animals, including Bill the Cat from Bloom County. Apparently there was a tag on the plush which said "All new smell." Without thinking about it, my husband held it to his face. I had been shopping elsewhere in the store and I turned the corner to see my sweet hubby sniffing Bill the Cat's butt! I laughed so hard I almost pee'd myself.


At least it wasn't a real cat...

King of Vapid Rapids

This entry is courtesy of Dammed in Des Moines:

My husband and I went out for a rafting trip down a slow river for a lazy day. During our little excursion, my husband decided to be funny. He got to the front of the raft, stood and began shouting, "I'm the king of the world!!!" I turned my back to him, searching for the camera to commemorate his kingship when I heard a loud *splash*! My husband was now the king of the water. The funny thing was were were going past a few fisherman who were on the shore and he got exuberant applause from his shore side audience. He was soon back in the raft and said, "I guess I won't do that again." I'm just sad I didn't get a picture.

What he REALLY wants for Father's Day

Find it for $25.00 at ninaandtom.etsy.com:

Ingenious or . . . Otherwise?

So I woke up this morning to a puzzling site...


Hmm. . . "What is he doing?" I think. The answer is clear, though. Our dog spreads her food everywhere after digging through the food rubble for her favorite pieces. Apparently, my husband thinks this will solve her messy eating habits somehow. I wasn't sure how he thought it might help, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now, hold your breath for the result... it's shocking, I mean I never thought this would happen...


OK, yes I did think this would happen, but at least I let his little test prove itself. :) I just hope my husband isn't developing that duct tape disease that seems to afflict men in their later years. I mean, he's only in his 30's, but maybe it's like early menopause. Early Duct Tape Compulsion (EDTC).

Husband of the Year Awards

These are too perfect. No need for explanations:

beer fridge

This is sad. Even more sad, my husband would love it. But then again, so would I if it would make and transport margaritas...

What a Pisser!

So, I'm currently in the Vegas airport, waiting for my plane to take me back to Colorado. I received a great surprise in my e-mail from Bottled in Buffalo. I just couldn't wait until I got home to share (I just threw up in my mouth a little bit):

My husband has a man cave where he plays computer games and indulges his inner geek. The room is kind of gross so I don't go in there often but the other day I passed through there and noticed a water bottle full of yellow fluid. My husband being the lazy man he is, had peed into an empty water bottle. So last night he says to me - guess what I did? Forgetting that he had peed into that bottle - HE DRANK SOME OF IT! It took three swallows for him to realize it wasn't water!!! Please feel free to laugh at my husband, the moron.

Exhausted

Converted in Carolina writes:

My check engine light has been on for several days.  My husband tells me it’s nothing to worry about.  I told him that I was taking it in to get checked today after it started smelling funny.  He still protested, saying that it was a fuse and all they were going to do is charge me an hours’ labor and turn the light off. 

 

Well, it turns out that my husband can’t be trusted when it comes to cars.  The dealership just called and my catalytic converter had stopped working, which I’ve heard can set your car on fire.  I was right in second-guessing my spouse.  Oh, and did I mention that he’s been in the CAR BUSINESS for over 20 years? 

Cart Attack!

Concussed in Calgary writes

Recently my husband did the mother of all stupid things. He came home with a concussion and a huge auto repair bill. Here's how it happened:

One Sunday, he and a friend went to the store to pick up their usual Sunday fare: beer and chips. After their jaunt in the store, they decided they weren't having enough fun and decided to race shopping carts in the parking lot like all testosterone clad teenagers. Except, they aren't teenagers, at least not in their physical age. My husband was winning the race until his cart his a rock in the lot, sending the cart flipping sideways and my husband went with it. He rammed head-first into a car, resulting in damage to his head and the car. I bet he'll do it again anyway.

I wonder how he explained that one in the note to the car's owner? LOL!

Open Door Policy

From Flushed in Fairview:

My husband is a private person when it comes to the bathroom. Even with me, he’ll close the door when he’s going to the bathroom. The only time he leaves the door open is if there’s no one around.

I take annual trips to go visit family and always without my husband. One time, when I was away, he went to use the facilities, he didn’t bother closing the door. As he sat there for a moment, he looked up and realized, he wasn’t at home, he was at work! Fortunately for him and his co-workers, there was no one around at the time as he quickly slammed the door shut.

I'm not lazy, I just cut corners.

The title is a direct quote from my husband. Here's an example of one of the ways he likes to "cut corners"


Why take the extra 5 seconds to hang up a coat when you can shove it above the others to hold it there?

One Track Mind

From Shredded in Seattle, we have the honor of relating to this post...

One day, I loaned my bank card to my husband since his had just expired and he was waiting on a new one to come in the mail. He said that he just needed to get some cash out. "Uh, honey," he says on the phone. "Your card got eaten by the ATM."

"What? How did that happen?"

Come to find out, he was at the bank, stuck the card in the ATM then got on a cell phone call. He failed to realize that if you don't take action with the card when it is spit back out to you, that the machine will suck it back in and shred it for safety. Then we were out both cards.

Talk about a case of only able to handle one task at a time...

Trophy Wife

From Manly-Man's Wife in Minnesota, we have this fishy tale...

So, last weekend my husband went to an ice fishing contest. Of course, I knew that meant he'd have a few beers, and I'd be annoying when he got home, because he's annoying when he drinks too much.

So later that night he walks in the door, standing there slightly wobbly staring at everyone. So, we all (my adult son, his daughter, and my other two grandkids) look at him wondering what could possibly be wrong.

Suddenly, he takes his arm from around his back and slowly and very unsteadily moves his outstretched hand from one end of the room to the other.

"Clear off the mantel," he yells. "Papa won a trophy, and it belongs on the mantel." With that, he moves to stand in front of every one of us, holding his shiny blue trophy in front of each face.

Well, I burst out laughing, more because he was having a hard time standing up, let alone with his arm outstretched with a trophy waving from it. So I start clapping, the kids start clapping and we add some hoots and hollers.

Then he walks over to the mantel, sets his trophy next to my candleholders and looks at me.

"Can you see it okay?" wobble, wobble.

"Yes, I can see it." I roll my eyes.

"Elyzabeth, how about you. Can you see it? I want everyone to be able to see it."

"Yes, papa, I can see it too." Eye rolling from the 8 year old.

Well, the little ones (ages 4 & 5) start jumping around hooting and hollering about the trophy and they want to play with it, of course.

So, for the rest of the night we get to hear, numerous times, the story of how a little 10 inch crappie won Papa first place in an ice fishing contest.

Were we glad when he finally fell asleep!

Well, after everyone left the next day my husband comes in and says, "Did Elyzabeth take another look at the trophy before she left? I don't want her to forget about it."

Well, I'd thought for sure he'd forgotten all about the night before with all the beer he had had. So I said, "Well, what we can do is take a picture of it. And you can write on it, "Elyzabeth, I just wanted to send this picture of my trophy so you and your brother don't forget what it looks like."

Well, we haven't had a chance to do that this last week. But I think we'll have an envelope in the mail on Monday, because sometimes, my hubby can be very, very funny! Even if he's annoying while he's doing it!

If you have a funny husband moment story to share, please submit it to kelly@kellymcdowell.com!

Foot in Mouth Disease

Well-Read in Richmond has this story to share:

Hubby's been trying to take it easy cuz he's got gout, so he's been reading lots. Today we were headed to the library and he said he wanted to go take out some more non-fiction books to read. I mentioned something about the book he's currently reading (that I had taken out because I enjoy the author) and he said "well the book is too silly for me. I have an imagination and don't need to read up on someone else's silly thoughts." I replied, "so what does that make me?" He had to backtrack. Wonder if having the foot in his mouth helps with the gout.

Thanks Well-Read. Here's hoping mind opens before mouth next time...

You Mean So Much To Me...

Hey ladies! I need your stories - I know they're out there... these funny husband moments are happening even as we speak! Share yours today, send your submission to me at kelly@kellymcdowell.com and of course, you'll remain anonymous though your hubby may become famous. Nameless, but famous.

I Could Just Dye

An entry courtesy of All Dyed Up in Albany

So my husband complained that his goatee was coming in with more and more gray, so I told him I'd help him pick out some Just For Men dye to cover it up. We went to the store, we picked out "light brown" dye. It worked pretty well. You can use it for a few applications, so it was a couple months before it ran out.

One day he walks in and his goatee is really really dark — not natural-looking at all. I ask what happened. He says, "I don't know. I went out and got the same brand and I left it on for the same about of time. It just came out really dark." So I ask, "What color did you buy?" He answers, "It comes in different colors?"

Apparently he just grabbed a box (which turned out to be "brown/black") with the assumption that it is magical hair dye that "knows" to adjust the hair back to it's original color. Keep in mind the fact that the men's hair dye is in the same aisle as the thousands of boxes of colors of women's hair dye. But somehow the men's works differently...

At least this husband is aware of his looks, albeit a little dumbfounded with how to go about it.

Leaf Me Alone!

From Leafless in Loredo, we have a simple tale of a simple mind...

My husband is perfect. That said, I IMAGINE that if he was a little off he would probably start cleaning out the garage using the shop vac in the process. He would then notice that the new little tree in the front yard had dropped most of its leaves and haul the vac out to take care of the small pile of leaves at its base. While he was at it he would most likely strip the remaining 7 or 9 leaves off the tree. WITH THE SHOP VAC. Of course, at this moment the neighbor would come out of the house and see him doing this. Yep, the entire neighborhood thinks hubs is a little off. Oh, I forgot, this is all in my imagination...

Please, no one tell this wife that she's not imagining her hubby's odd behavior. She seems happy and safe in her imaginary world. :)

Separation Anxiety

This snippet is regards of LMAO in Laramie:

My husband and I are working on getting some documents ready for an adoption process. We needed a copy of his divorce certificate from his first marriage. I bugged him for days/weeks. Finally he said he ordered it from the state. It arrives, he opens it and says "Oh no, they couldn't find it - I guess they lost it or something..." I looked at it and noticed the note that said they were sorry but they found no record of his divorce from ME!!!

Oh, you needed the name of my FORMER wife instead of my current? Details, details, right?