Lost in Translation

From Listening Lynn...

Like many husbands, mine pretty much never listens. I have resigned myself to that fact, but the thing that annoys me the most is that if I ask him a question he’ll automatically answer “yes” or “uh-huh” without even hearing the question!

The other day I asked him if he had had coffee with his friend that morning. He says “yeah.” Although I am standing right there, not shouting from across the room, I can see he’s not listening so I sort of smarted back, “Oh, that’s nice. How’s he doing?” Hubby says, “How’s who doing?” I said, “Your friend, James…how is he doing today?” Hubby says, “I don’t know…I haven’t seen him.” I said, “You just said you had coffee with him this morning.” Hubby: “No I didn’t.” “Yes, you did. That’s what I just asked you. Why did you say yes when the answer was no?” His answer was one of the best: “I don’t know what you said…I don’t hear half of what you say.” Nice, huh? Of course, if I decide just not to talk to him for a while he wonders why I’m so quiet! K

Nailed in Nantucket

This story comes from a friend of a friend and her recent experience with her hubby's fine hygiene.

One day, I spent hours cleaning the wood floors to a shine, finally got rid of every speck of dust and all the dust bunnies that kept reproducing. My husband came home after work and of course didn't notice, but that didn't bother me. In the middle of the night I woke up thirsty so I went downstairs to get a glass of water. As I was walking across my newly sparkling wood floors in the dark, I kept stepping on little poky stuff all across the floor. I assumed the dog had chewed apart one of her many toys. Aggravated, I stepped across the crunchy floor to flip on the light. Spread around was an array of little white pieces. As I bent down for a closer look, I realized they were...*gasp* toenails. Apparently, my husband didn't think to cut his nails over a trash can or even to sweep them off the floor. Needless to say, he was given a good talking to.

Eww.

King of Vapid Rapids

This entry is courtesy of Dammed in Des Moines:

My husband and I went out for a rafting trip down a slow river for a lazy day. During our little excursion, my husband decided to be funny. He got to the front of the raft, stood and began shouting, "I'm the king of the world!!!" I turned my back to him, searching for the camera to commemorate his kingship when I heard a loud *splash*! My husband was now the king of the water. The funny thing was were were going past a few fisherman who were on the shore and he got exuberant applause from his shore side audience. He was soon back in the raft and said, "I guess I won't do that again." I'm just sad I didn't get a picture.

Having a Hot Car Doesn't Make You Hot

Stupid Man! - Watch more Funny Videos

Ingenious or . . . Otherwise?

So I woke up this morning to a puzzling site...


Hmm. . . "What is he doing?" I think. The answer is clear, though. Our dog spreads her food everywhere after digging through the food rubble for her favorite pieces. Apparently, my husband thinks this will solve her messy eating habits somehow. I wasn't sure how he thought it might help, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now, hold your breath for the result... it's shocking, I mean I never thought this would happen...


OK, yes I did think this would happen, but at least I let his little test prove itself. :) I just hope my husband isn't developing that duct tape disease that seems to afflict men in their later years. I mean, he's only in his 30's, but maybe it's like early menopause. Early Duct Tape Compulsion (EDTC).

beer fridge

This is sad. Even more sad, my husband would love it. But then again, so would I if it would make and transport margaritas...

Stupid Man Overshadowed by Louder Stupid Man

As reported by The Onion:

BETHESDA, MD—A long, idiotic rant delivered by a demonstrably stupid man was interrupted Monday by the ramblings of a man who, in addition to being stupid, spoke in a very loud voice. "The first man was certainly stupid, but he was more relentless than loud," said a quiet and somewhat reasonable man who witnessed the dispute. "So when the other man began saying something even stupider at a much higher volume, naturally I had to pay attention to him." As of press time, both men had quieted down somewhat, but remained stupid.

Meet me at the Sizzler!

A story from my husband about one of his friends back in college days. Yes, I'm having to resort to these stories - so you need to send me some of yours! Actually, this one has to be told - it's just too hilarious.

This "friend," we'll call him Joe, lived in the dorms and had just gotten an MSR camp stove. See photo for a visual. These stoves are meant to be lit at the bottom area, at which you pump gas into it. Joe wanted to cook some beans to try out his new camp stove - he was trying to do this in his girlfriend's dorm room on her desk. Well, Joe the genius, was pumping the gas like mad trying to light the stove at the top. By this time, gas was leaking out the bottom, which he didn't notice and fumes were billowing out the top like mad. He ended up lighting the fumes which in turn lit the gas surrounding the stove. So now he's got a pretty good fire on his hands. He then proceeds to try to douse the flames with a towel, which ended up fanning the flames and throwing sparks around the room, with a large spark landing on the bedspread. Luckily, he was able to get the towel idea to work and got all the flames out. Realizing that the RA's would be responding to the silent alarm his fire had kicked off, he ran down to my husband's dorm room (this was long before we were married) with the camp stove. Joe shows up in my hubby's room shoving the camp stove at him saying, "hide this!" My husband quickly figures out what happens when he sees Joe's shirt with singe marks and covered in burn holes. Not to mention his face which was now void of facial hair - eyelashes singed all the way to his eyes and eyebrows little black curled-up remanants of hair. By the time the RA's came to his girlfriend's room, Joe was back in there with her. They asked what happened. Joe, standing there void of facial hair, shirt and girlfriend's bed riddled with singed holes answers, "nothing."

I can never get enough of my hubby's stories of this friend. I'm sure I'll have to share more of Joe's adventures soon.

The Parking Bandit

This woman is being driven, or rather, parked nuts. Check out her stupid husband moment story:

He can not leave a store and head for the car. Always goes the wrong way. Then argues that it is the RIGHT way. Then when he realizes that it IS the wrong way will accuse me of moving the car. Seriously. So now I just head for the car, get in and wait.

If you can relate to any of these stories, drop me a line to let me post your story for the world to laugh at. kelly@kellymcdowell.com

That Blows

Apparently my husband is not the only one that favors blowing his nose in the shower. Thanks to this sufferer for sharing her story!

My husband blows his nose in the shower too! So gross. I keep begging him to use his hands and then just wash them, after all he IS in the shower...he says "Eww that's gross!" WTF? but blowing it all over the shower is somehow not?

If the Boss only Knew...

This stupid husband moment or SHM is not from my home. I'm so happy not to be alone in my suffering. :) I believe many a husband to be afflicted with this dressing disease. Maybe someday we'll discover a cure, but let us reserve hope as it seems unlikely...

He got a job in an office recently where he has to dress nice. We had to go out after his first day and buy him 2 weeks worth of clothes. Every single morning he asks me to pick out his outfit. I am not his mommy. I thought I made this very easy for him when I purposely bought black striped shirts for his black pants, blue striped shirts for his blue pants, and khakis that can go with anything.

Thanks for sharing your suffering with the public!

Flexing with Fumes

This poor soul is making himself stupider on a daily basis. People, I urge you to intervene when you see stupid in production. Stop Stupid! Thanks for the submission, from a fellow Etsy user and SHM sufferer:

ok, so here is probably the dumbest one of all... so my boyfriend loves working out in the garage but it's COLD out there. He'll run a torpedo heater, a kerosene heater, and a propane heater at the same time. Every night he comes in and says he has a headache. Sometimes I go check on him just to make sure he's still breathing. I tell him to crack the door or something but he says that defeats the purpose. Can't tell him anything! Maybe he's trying to off himself so he won't have to hear my nagging anymore.

Dat's Just Nasty, Yo.

Oh you lucky people. No need for submissions today. I have my own great SHM (stupid husband moment) to post about tonight.

I made chicken salad for dinner tonight from scratch. My husband was nice enough to put away the leftovers. After which, I saw him rinse the bowl I used for the salad under water and put it back in the cupboard. Hmmm - problem. He rinsed the bowl, yes, but no soap, no scrubbing? I stop him and say, "um, did you wash that with soap and water?" He says, "No, but the chicken was cooked so it doesn't need to be washed with soap." Screetch.... halt. what? We actually got into an argument about why you have to wash things with soap. He claimed it does no better than water. Doy. Seriously, he's married to a SOAP MAKER. I know the friggin' merits of my product. Then, I call him out on just being lazy. He denies it saying he was just cutting corners. Doesn't that sound something like the definition of being lazy? Yikes. I need some chill pills now. As I think Aunt Jemima would say, "Oh, no you didn't."

What do I do if I get hungry?

I'll tell you what to do. Smack yourself for thinking something so stupid. Unless you're a child, you should probably be able to scrounge something up to satiate your hunger. If not, you're just stupid.

I love this submission - maybe we shouldn't do so much for our spouses...

Sometimes my husband will go the entire day without eating if I am not home to make something. I really don't get it! I will get home and he will be like "good thing you are home...I'm so hungry I'm about to pass out."
He knows how to cook and is actually a good cook...I don't get why he would get to the point of starvation and not just grab a snack...

Just take a breath...

Here's another stupid stuff my husband does post from another suffering wife... Not to say wives don't do anything stupid. We just don't talk about it. We love our hubbys, but here's another "stupid" story.

So we have an asthmatic cat, Brodie, that needs to be given an inhaler twice a day (I know, this story also qualifies me for the "Insane Pet Owners Blog"). One night a few weeks ago I noticed that when I finished giving Brodie his inhaler, the counter on it read "0" which meant it was empty. So I called the pharmacy and ordered a refill. Now normally my husband (who is also wrapped around our kitties' paws) gives Brodie his medicine in the morning, but I'm the one who manages his meds, dr.'s appts, etc. So I told my darling husband that if he could, please pick up the new inhaler in the morning so that Brodie has his medicine, as I wouldn't be able to pick it up until after work. He said "no problem" and I'm thinking I have such a nice, dependable husband.

Fast forward to 6pm when I come home from work. There is Brodie's old inhaler sitting on the counter and the new one still in the pharmacy bag sitting next to it. Once my immediate anger of "what the hell" had subsided, I reminded myself that I have the occational "brain fart" myself and that he probably got the new inhaler and then forgot to use it. So a few hours later when my husband comes home I jokingly ask "So, did you have a brain fart today? You forgot to give Brodie his new inhaler."
"No, I just used the old one."
"On purpose? Why wouldn't you use the new one? The old one was empty!"
"Nah, it still had something in there. He's fine".
My husband walks out of the room and I stand there dumbfounded wondering why on earth he would bother going to the pharmacy to pick up a new inhaler and then not even use it. I'm still completely perplexed by his "logic."

I know this "logic" - it's the "I wouldn't want to waste a potential penny even if it means the pain of a loved one may be involved." I too have seen it in action. Thanks for your submission, insane pet lover and stupid stuff my husband does sufferer!

The Babbling Bloke

Here's a submission from a fellow sufferer of stupid husband tricks... Thanks for sharing!

One day, I was getting all the ingredients into the breadmaker and meanwhile, he's babbling about something inane, and with some numbers thrown in. I know I should be able to concentrate better than that, but it threw me off how many tsps of yeast I'd put in. And even when I told him to stop talking for a minute so I could count, he starts talking about how he hates it when people are talking to him when he's trying to concentrate on something, not getting at all that's exactly what he's doing.

I believe Janine in Ghostbusters said "Men, can't live with them, can't trade them in for parts."

Yet, many a husband claims he really does listen. Further proof that just isn't true... If you have a stupid husband/boyfriend story, please submit it to kelly@kellymcdowell.com so we can share in your suffering. :)

Pulling Weeds

So, this is the first post in what I hope will be a series of very hilarious situations that women experience with their husbands or boyfriends.

To kick off the the blog, I'm sharing one of my husband's many stupid husband tricks.

Last summer, we spent a whole day planting flowers, bushes and such throughout the back yard. After all the extensive planting, we were exhausted and finished for the day. The next day, my husband had work off and I went to run errands in town. I came back to find many of the bushes we had planted pulled out of the ground and discarded among the weeds. I angrily went in to ask what happened - my husband claimed, "I thought they were weeds." OK - couple of stupid things attributed to him at this point...1. he helped plant them. 2. The bushes pulled were boxelder bushes which look nothing like a weed with their lush green leaves.

So, if you have a funny stupid husband or boyfriend story, video or photo, send them to me at kelly@kellymcdowell.com!