Nailed in Nantucket

This story comes from a friend of a friend and her recent experience with her hubby's fine hygiene.

One day, I spent hours cleaning the wood floors to a shine, finally got rid of every speck of dust and all the dust bunnies that kept reproducing. My husband came home after work and of course didn't notice, but that didn't bother me. In the middle of the night I woke up thirsty so I went downstairs to get a glass of water. As I was walking across my newly sparkling wood floors in the dark, I kept stepping on little poky stuff all across the floor. I assumed the dog had chewed apart one of her many toys. Aggravated, I stepped across the crunchy floor to flip on the light. Spread around was an array of little white pieces. As I bent down for a closer look, I realized they were...*gasp* toenails. Apparently, my husband didn't think to cut his nails over a trash can or even to sweep them off the floor. Needless to say, he was given a good talking to.

Eww.

Cat Butt Scent

Scented in Silicone Valley says...

Way back when the Bloom County cartoon strip was still popular my husband had an encounter with a certain cat. We were at a local drug store and there was a display of stuffed animals, including Bill the Cat from Bloom County. Apparently there was a tag on the plush which said "All new smell." Without thinking about it, my husband held it to his face. I had been shopping elsewhere in the store and I turned the corner to see my sweet hubby sniffing Bill the Cat's butt! I laughed so hard I almost pee'd myself.


At least it wasn't a real cat...

King of Vapid Rapids

This entry is courtesy of Dammed in Des Moines:

My husband and I went out for a rafting trip down a slow river for a lazy day. During our little excursion, my husband decided to be funny. He got to the front of the raft, stood and began shouting, "I'm the king of the world!!!" I turned my back to him, searching for the camera to commemorate his kingship when I heard a loud *splash*! My husband was now the king of the water. The funny thing was were were going past a few fisherman who were on the shore and he got exuberant applause from his shore side audience. He was soon back in the raft and said, "I guess I won't do that again." I'm just sad I didn't get a picture.

The Power is Too Strong

So I asked my husband to get the power washer out so that I could take the stain off our deck to re-stain it. He gave me a long run down about how I need to keep it away from the kids and make sure they're not in the line of fire (duh). He tells me it can take their skin off it's so strong. I agreed to be careful. Now he's out there, with my potted plants in full blast receival (I know, it's not a word), spraying away. Between the kids, the dog and my husband, my plants just don't stand a chance. sigh.

Having a Hot Car Doesn't Make You Hot

Stupid Man! - Watch more Funny Videos

What he REALLY wants for Father's Day

Find it for $25.00 at ninaandtom.etsy.com:

Ingenious or . . . Otherwise?

So I woke up this morning to a puzzling site...


Hmm. . . "What is he doing?" I think. The answer is clear, though. Our dog spreads her food everywhere after digging through the food rubble for her favorite pieces. Apparently, my husband thinks this will solve her messy eating habits somehow. I wasn't sure how he thought it might help, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now, hold your breath for the result... it's shocking, I mean I never thought this would happen...


OK, yes I did think this would happen, but at least I let his little test prove itself. :) I just hope my husband isn't developing that duct tape disease that seems to afflict men in their later years. I mean, he's only in his 30's, but maybe it's like early menopause. Early Duct Tape Compulsion (EDTC).

Husband of the Year Awards

These are too perfect. No need for explanations:

beer fridge

This is sad. Even more sad, my husband would love it. But then again, so would I if it would make and transport margaritas...

Stupid Man Overshadowed by Louder Stupid Man

As reported by The Onion:

BETHESDA, MD—A long, idiotic rant delivered by a demonstrably stupid man was interrupted Monday by the ramblings of a man who, in addition to being stupid, spoke in a very loud voice. "The first man was certainly stupid, but he was more relentless than loud," said a quiet and somewhat reasonable man who witnessed the dispute. "So when the other man began saying something even stupider at a much higher volume, naturally I had to pay attention to him." As of press time, both men had quieted down somewhat, but remained stupid.

What a Pisser!

So, I'm currently in the Vegas airport, waiting for my plane to take me back to Colorado. I received a great surprise in my e-mail from Bottled in Buffalo. I just couldn't wait until I got home to share (I just threw up in my mouth a little bit):

My husband has a man cave where he plays computer games and indulges his inner geek. The room is kind of gross so I don't go in there often but the other day I passed through there and noticed a water bottle full of yellow fluid. My husband being the lazy man he is, had peed into an empty water bottle. So last night he says to me - guess what I did? Forgetting that he had peed into that bottle - HE DRANK SOME OF IT! It took three swallows for him to realize it wasn't water!!! Please feel free to laugh at my husband, the moron.

Lionize it

OK, this is a clever man idea - in an ode to the clever ideas our men do come up with. (It's also funny.) He's in Mexico and was tired of thugs breaking into his shop, so he came up with this idea... He got a lion... kind of...

Exhausted

Converted in Carolina writes:

My check engine light has been on for several days.  My husband tells me it’s nothing to worry about.  I told him that I was taking it in to get checked today after it started smelling funny.  He still protested, saying that it was a fuse and all they were going to do is charge me an hours’ labor and turn the light off. 

 

Well, it turns out that my husband can’t be trusted when it comes to cars.  The dealership just called and my catalytic converter had stopped working, which I’ve heard can set your car on fire.  I was right in second-guessing my spouse.  Oh, and did I mention that he’s been in the CAR BUSINESS for over 20 years? 

If the shoe fits...

In this case, it's "if the name fits..." I took this photo from my cell, so it's not exactly clear. This hotel's sign has been in disrepair for many moons, and I finally had to share it. There's just too many jokes that can be made from it. Now, to be fair, I'm not sure if the lack of enthusiasm to fix the sign is due to a man or a woman, but I can take a guess.

So, the next time you're in Grand Junction, Colorado and you're in need of a place to stay, try out the Value Lode. I'm just guessing, but I bet they have hourly rates.

Cart Attack!

Concussed in Calgary writes

Recently my husband did the mother of all stupid things. He came home with a concussion and a huge auto repair bill. Here's how it happened:

One Sunday, he and a friend went to the store to pick up their usual Sunday fare: beer and chips. After their jaunt in the store, they decided they weren't having enough fun and decided to race shopping carts in the parking lot like all testosterone clad teenagers. Except, they aren't teenagers, at least not in their physical age. My husband was winning the race until his cart his a rock in the lot, sending the cart flipping sideways and my husband went with it. He rammed head-first into a car, resulting in damage to his head and the car. I bet he'll do it again anyway.

I wonder how he explained that one in the note to the car's owner? LOL!

Open Door Policy

From Flushed in Fairview:

My husband is a private person when it comes to the bathroom. Even with me, he’ll close the door when he’s going to the bathroom. The only time he leaves the door open is if there’s no one around.

I take annual trips to go visit family and always without my husband. One time, when I was away, he went to use the facilities, he didn’t bother closing the door. As he sat there for a moment, he looked up and realized, he wasn’t at home, he was at work! Fortunately for him and his co-workers, there was no one around at the time as he quickly slammed the door shut.

Oh Sheet!

From Sheetless in Salem...

We took a trip to Hawaii with some friends of ours. Our friend James is the focus of this story. We had all been out drinking and having fun and when we came back to our condo (which one of us owns), the pull out couch had no sheets on it. My friend and I insisted that we put clean sheets on and were searching around in our drunken stupor. James kept insisting that he would just sleep on the mattress. James and my husband just kept fighting us girls saying it was fine to sleep without sheets, thinking that we were trying to accommodate James. Really, though, we were trying to protect the mattress. The whole time they just couldn't understand why we were so adamant about sheets. 

Yes, it's much cheaper to change sheets than the mattress. It gets  a little uncomfortable to explain away a stained mattress to your next guests...

If you have a story to share, you'll remain anonymous! Submit your story to kelly@kellymcdowell.com today!

Meet me at the Sizzler!

A story from my husband about one of his friends back in college days. Yes, I'm having to resort to these stories - so you need to send me some of yours! Actually, this one has to be told - it's just too hilarious.

This "friend," we'll call him Joe, lived in the dorms and had just gotten an MSR camp stove. See photo for a visual. These stoves are meant to be lit at the bottom area, at which you pump gas into it. Joe wanted to cook some beans to try out his new camp stove - he was trying to do this in his girlfriend's dorm room on her desk. Well, Joe the genius, was pumping the gas like mad trying to light the stove at the top. By this time, gas was leaking out the bottom, which he didn't notice and fumes were billowing out the top like mad. He ended up lighting the fumes which in turn lit the gas surrounding the stove. So now he's got a pretty good fire on his hands. He then proceeds to try to douse the flames with a towel, which ended up fanning the flames and throwing sparks around the room, with a large spark landing on the bedspread. Luckily, he was able to get the towel idea to work and got all the flames out. Realizing that the RA's would be responding to the silent alarm his fire had kicked off, he ran down to my husband's dorm room (this was long before we were married) with the camp stove. Joe shows up in my hubby's room shoving the camp stove at him saying, "hide this!" My husband quickly figures out what happens when he sees Joe's shirt with singe marks and covered in burn holes. Not to mention his face which was now void of facial hair - eyelashes singed all the way to his eyes and eyebrows little black curled-up remanants of hair. By the time the RA's came to his girlfriend's room, Joe was back in there with her. They asked what happened. Joe, standing there void of facial hair, shirt and girlfriend's bed riddled with singed holes answers, "nothing."

I can never get enough of my hubby's stories of this friend. I'm sure I'll have to share more of Joe's adventures soon.

I'm not lazy, I just cut corners.

The title is a direct quote from my husband. Here's an example of one of the ways he likes to "cut corners"


Why take the extra 5 seconds to hang up a coat when you can shove it above the others to hold it there?

One Track Mind

From Shredded in Seattle, we have the honor of relating to this post...

One day, I loaned my bank card to my husband since his had just expired and he was waiting on a new one to come in the mail. He said that he just needed to get some cash out. "Uh, honey," he says on the phone. "Your card got eaten by the ATM."

"What? How did that happen?"

Come to find out, he was at the bank, stuck the card in the ATM then got on a cell phone call. He failed to realize that if you don't take action with the card when it is spit back out to you, that the machine will suck it back in and shred it for safety. Then we were out both cards.

Talk about a case of only able to handle one task at a time...

Trophy Wife

From Manly-Man's Wife in Minnesota, we have this fishy tale...

So, last weekend my husband went to an ice fishing contest. Of course, I knew that meant he'd have a few beers, and I'd be annoying when he got home, because he's annoying when he drinks too much.

So later that night he walks in the door, standing there slightly wobbly staring at everyone. So, we all (my adult son, his daughter, and my other two grandkids) look at him wondering what could possibly be wrong.

Suddenly, he takes his arm from around his back and slowly and very unsteadily moves his outstretched hand from one end of the room to the other.

"Clear off the mantel," he yells. "Papa won a trophy, and it belongs on the mantel." With that, he moves to stand in front of every one of us, holding his shiny blue trophy in front of each face.

Well, I burst out laughing, more because he was having a hard time standing up, let alone with his arm outstretched with a trophy waving from it. So I start clapping, the kids start clapping and we add some hoots and hollers.

Then he walks over to the mantel, sets his trophy next to my candleholders and looks at me.

"Can you see it okay?" wobble, wobble.

"Yes, I can see it." I roll my eyes.

"Elyzabeth, how about you. Can you see it? I want everyone to be able to see it."

"Yes, papa, I can see it too." Eye rolling from the 8 year old.

Well, the little ones (ages 4 & 5) start jumping around hooting and hollering about the trophy and they want to play with it, of course.

So, for the rest of the night we get to hear, numerous times, the story of how a little 10 inch crappie won Papa first place in an ice fishing contest.

Were we glad when he finally fell asleep!

Well, after everyone left the next day my husband comes in and says, "Did Elyzabeth take another look at the trophy before she left? I don't want her to forget about it."

Well, I'd thought for sure he'd forgotten all about the night before with all the beer he had had. So I said, "Well, what we can do is take a picture of it. And you can write on it, "Elyzabeth, I just wanted to send this picture of my trophy so you and your brother don't forget what it looks like."

Well, we haven't had a chance to do that this last week. But I think we'll have an envelope in the mail on Monday, because sometimes, my hubby can be very, very funny! Even if he's annoying while he's doing it!

If you have a funny husband moment story to share, please submit it to kelly@kellymcdowell.com!

Foot in Mouth Disease

Well-Read in Richmond has this story to share:

Hubby's been trying to take it easy cuz he's got gout, so he's been reading lots. Today we were headed to the library and he said he wanted to go take out some more non-fiction books to read. I mentioned something about the book he's currently reading (that I had taken out because I enjoy the author) and he said "well the book is too silly for me. I have an imagination and don't need to read up on someone else's silly thoughts." I replied, "so what does that make me?" He had to backtrack. Wonder if having the foot in his mouth helps with the gout.

Thanks Well-Read. Here's hoping mind opens before mouth next time...

You Mean So Much To Me...

Hey ladies! I need your stories - I know they're out there... these funny husband moments are happening even as we speak! Share yours today, send your submission to me at kelly@kellymcdowell.com and of course, you'll remain anonymous though your hubby may become famous. Nameless, but famous.

I Could Just Dye

An entry courtesy of All Dyed Up in Albany

So my husband complained that his goatee was coming in with more and more gray, so I told him I'd help him pick out some Just For Men dye to cover it up. We went to the store, we picked out "light brown" dye. It worked pretty well. You can use it for a few applications, so it was a couple months before it ran out.

One day he walks in and his goatee is really really dark — not natural-looking at all. I ask what happened. He says, "I don't know. I went out and got the same brand and I left it on for the same about of time. It just came out really dark." So I ask, "What color did you buy?" He answers, "It comes in different colors?"

Apparently he just grabbed a box (which turned out to be "brown/black") with the assumption that it is magical hair dye that "knows" to adjust the hair back to it's original color. Keep in mind the fact that the men's hair dye is in the same aisle as the thousands of boxes of colors of women's hair dye. But somehow the men's works differently...

At least this husband is aware of his looks, albeit a little dumbfounded with how to go about it.

Leaf Me Alone!

From Leafless in Loredo, we have a simple tale of a simple mind...

My husband is perfect. That said, I IMAGINE that if he was a little off he would probably start cleaning out the garage using the shop vac in the process. He would then notice that the new little tree in the front yard had dropped most of its leaves and haul the vac out to take care of the small pile of leaves at its base. While he was at it he would most likely strip the remaining 7 or 9 leaves off the tree. WITH THE SHOP VAC. Of course, at this moment the neighbor would come out of the house and see him doing this. Yep, the entire neighborhood thinks hubs is a little off. Oh, I forgot, this is all in my imagination...

Please, no one tell this wife that she's not imagining her hubby's odd behavior. She seems happy and safe in her imaginary world. :)

Separation Anxiety

This snippet is regards of LMAO in Laramie:

My husband and I are working on getting some documents ready for an adoption process. We needed a copy of his divorce certificate from his first marriage. I bugged him for days/weeks. Finally he said he ordered it from the state. It arrives, he opens it and says "Oh no, they couldn't find it - I guess they lost it or something..." I looked at it and noticed the note that said they were sorry but they found no record of his divorce from ME!!!

Oh, you needed the name of my FORMER wife instead of my current? Details, details, right?

What a Pisser

Submitted by Pissed in Peoria, here's another story of hilarium...

I think he does the twist or something when he pees. All over the OUTSIDE of the bowl and on the floor and even on the wall opposite of the toilet. He has talent. He also cleans the bathroom.

Ladies, if you have a tale of a stupid husband moment, please submit them to me at kelly@kellymcdowell.com

Remember, we all love our husbands or boyfriends, we just know how to commiserate together through laughter, right? Right...?

The Absent Minded Professor

This wife has been afflicted with a truly forgetful spouse. I thought my husband forgot a lot of things, but this husband seems to have true forgetful husband syndrome. Check it out...

He IS the absent minded professor. Forgets where he puts things and blames me. He one time left the house to go to a meeting, FORGOT what he was doing so he came home and started to work. I asked him didn't he have a meeting? Oh! Right. Crap I missed it. But he had LEFT! Got in the car and was halfway there. I know he is not really stupid but sometimes....

The Parking Bandit

This woman is being driven, or rather, parked nuts. Check out her stupid husband moment story:

He can not leave a store and head for the car. Always goes the wrong way. Then argues that it is the RIGHT way. Then when he realizes that it IS the wrong way will accuse me of moving the car. Seriously. So now I just head for the car, get in and wait.

If you can relate to any of these stories, drop me a line to let me post your story for the world to laugh at. kelly@kellymcdowell.com

That Blows

Apparently my husband is not the only one that favors blowing his nose in the shower. Thanks to this sufferer for sharing her story!

My husband blows his nose in the shower too! So gross. I keep begging him to use his hands and then just wash them, after all he IS in the shower...he says "Eww that's gross!" WTF? but blowing it all over the shower is somehow not?

Getting Picked Up

This woman had the perfect comeback for her husband when he attempted to be witty...

My husband had to bring it to my attention yesterday that I made a sandwich and had left the salami on the counter and he had to pick it up. With out missing a beat I said without removing my eyes from the computer, "Well, I've picked your underwear off the bathroom floor for the last 26 YEARS and you don't see me bringing THAT up!"...perfect silence and an about face on his part..ha!

If the Boss only Knew...

This stupid husband moment or SHM is not from my home. I'm so happy not to be alone in my suffering. :) I believe many a husband to be afflicted with this dressing disease. Maybe someday we'll discover a cure, but let us reserve hope as it seems unlikely...

He got a job in an office recently where he has to dress nice. We had to go out after his first day and buy him 2 weeks worth of clothes. Every single morning he asks me to pick out his outfit. I am not his mommy. I thought I made this very easy for him when I purposely bought black striped shirts for his black pants, blue striped shirts for his blue pants, and khakis that can go with anything.

Thanks for sharing your suffering with the public!

Flexing with Fumes

This poor soul is making himself stupider on a daily basis. People, I urge you to intervene when you see stupid in production. Stop Stupid! Thanks for the submission, from a fellow Etsy user and SHM sufferer:

ok, so here is probably the dumbest one of all... so my boyfriend loves working out in the garage but it's COLD out there. He'll run a torpedo heater, a kerosene heater, and a propane heater at the same time. Every night he comes in and says he has a headache. Sometimes I go check on him just to make sure he's still breathing. I tell him to crack the door or something but he says that defeats the purpose. Can't tell him anything! Maybe he's trying to off himself so he won't have to hear my nagging anymore.

Dat's Just Nasty, Yo.

Oh you lucky people. No need for submissions today. I have my own great SHM (stupid husband moment) to post about tonight.

I made chicken salad for dinner tonight from scratch. My husband was nice enough to put away the leftovers. After which, I saw him rinse the bowl I used for the salad under water and put it back in the cupboard. Hmmm - problem. He rinsed the bowl, yes, but no soap, no scrubbing? I stop him and say, "um, did you wash that with soap and water?" He says, "No, but the chicken was cooked so it doesn't need to be washed with soap." Screetch.... halt. what? We actually got into an argument about why you have to wash things with soap. He claimed it does no better than water. Doy. Seriously, he's married to a SOAP MAKER. I know the friggin' merits of my product. Then, I call him out on just being lazy. He denies it saying he was just cutting corners. Doesn't that sound something like the definition of being lazy? Yikes. I need some chill pills now. As I think Aunt Jemima would say, "Oh, no you didn't."

What do I do if I get hungry?

I'll tell you what to do. Smack yourself for thinking something so stupid. Unless you're a child, you should probably be able to scrounge something up to satiate your hunger. If not, you're just stupid.

I love this submission - maybe we shouldn't do so much for our spouses...

Sometimes my husband will go the entire day without eating if I am not home to make something. I really don't get it! I will get home and he will be like "good thing you are home...I'm so hungry I'm about to pass out."
He knows how to cook and is actually a good cook...I don't get why he would get to the point of starvation and not just grab a snack...

Just take a breath...

Here's another stupid stuff my husband does post from another suffering wife... Not to say wives don't do anything stupid. We just don't talk about it. We love our hubbys, but here's another "stupid" story.

So we have an asthmatic cat, Brodie, that needs to be given an inhaler twice a day (I know, this story also qualifies me for the "Insane Pet Owners Blog"). One night a few weeks ago I noticed that when I finished giving Brodie his inhaler, the counter on it read "0" which meant it was empty. So I called the pharmacy and ordered a refill. Now normally my husband (who is also wrapped around our kitties' paws) gives Brodie his medicine in the morning, but I'm the one who manages his meds, dr.'s appts, etc. So I told my darling husband that if he could, please pick up the new inhaler in the morning so that Brodie has his medicine, as I wouldn't be able to pick it up until after work. He said "no problem" and I'm thinking I have such a nice, dependable husband.

Fast forward to 6pm when I come home from work. There is Brodie's old inhaler sitting on the counter and the new one still in the pharmacy bag sitting next to it. Once my immediate anger of "what the hell" had subsided, I reminded myself that I have the occational "brain fart" myself and that he probably got the new inhaler and then forgot to use it. So a few hours later when my husband comes home I jokingly ask "So, did you have a brain fart today? You forgot to give Brodie his new inhaler."
"No, I just used the old one."
"On purpose? Why wouldn't you use the new one? The old one was empty!"
"Nah, it still had something in there. He's fine".
My husband walks out of the room and I stand there dumbfounded wondering why on earth he would bother going to the pharmacy to pick up a new inhaler and then not even use it. I'm still completely perplexed by his "logic."

I know this "logic" - it's the "I wouldn't want to waste a potential penny even if it means the pain of a loved one may be involved." I too have seen it in action. Thanks for your submission, insane pet lover and stupid stuff my husband does sufferer!

The Babbling Bloke

Here's a submission from a fellow sufferer of stupid husband tricks... Thanks for sharing!

One day, I was getting all the ingredients into the breadmaker and meanwhile, he's babbling about something inane, and with some numbers thrown in. I know I should be able to concentrate better than that, but it threw me off how many tsps of yeast I'd put in. And even when I told him to stop talking for a minute so I could count, he starts talking about how he hates it when people are talking to him when he's trying to concentrate on something, not getting at all that's exactly what he's doing.

I believe Janine in Ghostbusters said "Men, can't live with them, can't trade them in for parts."

Yet, many a husband claims he really does listen. Further proof that just isn't true... If you have a stupid husband/boyfriend story, please submit it to kelly@kellymcdowell.com so we can share in your suffering. :)

Pulling Weeds

So, this is the first post in what I hope will be a series of very hilarious situations that women experience with their husbands or boyfriends.

To kick off the the blog, I'm sharing one of my husband's many stupid husband tricks.

Last summer, we spent a whole day planting flowers, bushes and such throughout the back yard. After all the extensive planting, we were exhausted and finished for the day. The next day, my husband had work off and I went to run errands in town. I came back to find many of the bushes we had planted pulled out of the ground and discarded among the weeds. I angrily went in to ask what happened - my husband claimed, "I thought they were weeds." OK - couple of stupid things attributed to him at this point...1. he helped plant them. 2. The bushes pulled were boxelder bushes which look nothing like a weed with their lush green leaves.

So, if you have a funny stupid husband or boyfriend story, video or photo, send them to me at kelly@kellymcdowell.com!